I had some challenges growing up. This informs my therapeutic approach.
In 1971 when I was seven, I awoke around 6 a.m. to rocking and rolling. Its an earthquake, my parents said. Get into the car. My parents were worried we could drown because a dam had broken in San Fernando, CA. The car was running at the curb and they urged me to get out of bed and get to the car. I didn't know then, what may happen when a child thinks: The Ones I Depended Upon Can't Keep Me Safe. There was another incident a few weeks before where I was moved to a new school and examined by a school nurse. Nobody in 1971 knew about PTSD and Moral Injury, and though I remembered the incidents, I had no emotional connection with them and never gave them a second thought.
I grew up with the Vietnam War. By age 7 I was afraid of being drafted and had decided I would be a conscientious objector and dodge the draft if it came to that. The war ended long before I turned 18 but last week I realized I felt much guilt about my choice: because if I didn't go when called, another person would have to go in my place. How can a 7 year old feel guilt about being a draft-evader? I never actually evaded the draft but as irrational as it sounds, I developed guilt about the fact I would have evaded the draft. It is possible the dozen head injuries I experienced from age 14 to 20 were my way of either punishing myself or living through what war would have been like. The brain injuries did nothing positive for my behavior.
People who knew me experienced me as intermittent: sometimes kind, gentle, spiritual and considerate, then accident-prone, unpredictably vindictive, arrogant, manic, depressive, impulsive, risk-taking, risk-averse, rude, superior, sanctimonious, and occasionally aggressive. When I was 11 my best friend Brian had to stop being friends with me because my sarcasm made him cry one too many times. I could give more examples. . .
For many decades I never wondered why my behavior was not ideal, I just felt shame that I did them, and did more unhealthy things to cope with that shame.
Somehow amidst much chaos I studied buddhism for ten years, actually meeting the Dalia Lama. In 1992 I changed my career from construction to massage therapy. After not getting the direct support from buddhism, I asked for a teacher and soon Stephen Bruno arrived at Natrural Essence, a dayspa my wife had opened. He was a counselor and Vietnam veteran who also taught groups and workshops including how to be natural, how to discover your true essence, and energy healing. I went to dozens of his ongoing groups and one-day workshops and began one-on-one counseling. When he retired from counseling I continued doing phone coaching with him. This has made all the difference.
In 2000 I took Reiki training from Stephen, and began teaching Reiki. I think the Reiki jump-started something because in 2002 and 2003 I published two influential articles in Massage&Bodywork magazine and Massage Therapy Journal. These articles generated interest and I began teaching Melting Muscles to therapists in 13 states. Wonderful, because Melting Muscles is a real discovery that may yet change the way massage is done. But the success went to my head and my fourth article was rejected because I sounded too arrogant, they said. I had quit my job when the nationwide teaching boomed, and now jobless and rejected by editors, my energy diminished. We divorced in 2004 and then my energy was sort of repelling people and I couldn't get any massage appointments. What a rise and fall! I had to go back to working construction, for a shady contractor.
I resumed having weekly phone sessions with Stephen, agreeing to pay him later because I was so broke. The sessions are to help me with seven things Stephen always talks about: unconditional compassion, nonjudgment, non-self-importance, presence, patience, vulnerability and curiosity. Stephen talks about the essence, which is the true nature of each person. I believe we are not our behavior. Today I am closer to being my natural self, but not there yet.
Even once I learned the signs and symptoms of PTSD, Moral Injury and TBI head injuries, it has still taken much effort and outside assistance to examine my judgments and live in a way more balanced and natural, including serving others in the healing arts.
Since 2020 I have also been teaching Math and Construction Trades at the Community College in Tucson, where I also serve on a council for issues of employee wages and working conditions. As an employee of the college I can take classes for free and I am currently studying Social Work. I am about to begin volunteering at the VA.
I met my wife Traci in 2007 when she was reading her poetry and memoir at a coffee shop in Phoenix. Together Traci and I began Monsoon Voices, a live literary magazine with poets, memoirists, fiction writers and musicians. Special guests included poets Shawnte Orion, Susan Vespoli, David Chorlton and Jefferson Carter.
Traci teaches writing workshops online and in-person. My daughter (they/them) is a musician and counselor. I enjoy hiking off-trail with my DSLR camera. In Arizona I have encountered a Black Bear, Bighorn Sheep, White-Tail Deer, and curious little Coati. In our yard in Tucson, where I have a home-office for treatments and workshops, we have seen numerous Bobcats, Coyotes, Great Horned Owls and Harris's Hawks which hunt as a cooperative family.
Some of my nature photography is posted on Flickr and some on Facebook.
I hope to connect with you further at some point!
Feel free to use the Contact Me form with any questions or comments.
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