I had some challenges growing up. This informs my therapeutic approach.
In 1971 when I was seven, I awoke around 6 a.m. to rocking and rolling. Its an earthquake, my parents said. Get into the car. My parents were worried we could drown because a dam had broken in San Fernando, CA. The car was running at the curb and they urged me to get out of bed and get to the car. I imagined water over our heads, above the rooftops, us deep under not able to breathe. I didn't know then, what may happen when a child thinks: The Ones I Depended Upon Can't Keep Me Safe. There was another incident when I was 7 where a school nurse did something that changed my view of my safety in the world. Nobody in 1971 knew about PTSD and Moral Injury, and though I remembered the incidents, I never gave them a second thought. To this day I have no emotional connection with those memories, which means they are still compartmentalized.
I grew up with the Vietnam War. By age 7 I was afraid of being drafted and had decided I would be a conscientious objector and dodge the draft if it came to that. The war ended long before I turned 18 but recently I realized I felt much guilt about my choice: because if I didn't go when called, another person would have to go in my place. How can a 7 year old feel guilt about being a draft-dodger? That makes no sense, right? I never actually evaded the draft but as irrational as it sounds, I developed guilt about the fact I would have evaded the draft. Again I had no conscious awareness of this guilt--it was compartmentalized.
People who knew me experienced me as intermittent: sometimes kind, gentle, spiritual and considerate, then accident-prone, unpredictably vindictive, arrogant, manic, depressive, impulsive, risk-taking, risk-averse, rude, superior, sanctimonious, and occasionally aggressive. When I was 11 my best friend Brian had to stop being friends with me because my sarcasm made him cry one too many times. I could give more examples. . .
I am discovering these things by putting together the puzzle pieces: the 10 - to - 20 head injuries I experienced from age 14 to 20... how statistically unlikely to get that many head injuries in so short a time! Was that my way of punishing myself? Or of living through what war would have been like? My behavior was already going in a negative direction by age 12 as Brian and Robert attested, and the brain injuries only worsened my behavior.
For many decades I never wondered why my behavior was not ideal, I just felt shame that I did them, and did more unhealthy things to cope with that shame. If I had to base my self-worth upon my behavior, I would have to feel pretty bad about my past behavior. Fortunately, we are not our behavior.
Somehow amidst much chaos I studied Buddhist and Christian spirituality. I became a member of Sakya Monastery in Seattle.
In 1992 I changed my career from construction to massage therapy. After not getting the direct support from Buddhism, I "asked" for a teacher. My first wife opened a dayspa we called Natural Essence. Soon after, a person walked in the door who said he felt called to be there. He was a counselor and Vietnam veteran who also taught groups and workshops including how to be natural, how to discover your true essence, and energy healing. Natural and Essence. I went to dozens of his ongoing groups and one-day workshops and began one-on-one counseling. When he retired from counseling I continued doing phone coaching with him. His guidance has made all the difference for me.
In 2000 I took Reiki training from Stephen, and began teaching Reiki. Soon after receiving the Reiki empowerments from Stephen I came up with a new method called Melting Muscles, published two influential articles in Massage&Bodywork magazine and Massage Therapy Journal, and taught this new method to therapists in 13 States.
The success went to my head and my fourth article was rejected because I sounded too arrogant, they said. I had quit my job when the nationwide teaching boomed, and now jobless and rejected by editors, my energy diminished. We divorced in 2004 and then my energy was sort of repelling people and I couldn't get any massage appointments. What a rise and fall! I had to go back to working construction, for a shady contractor in Phoenix.
I resumed having weekly phone sessions with Stephen, agreeing to pay him later because I was so broke. The sessions are less counseling, more help with seven things Stephen always talks about: unconditional compassion, nonjudgment, non-self-importance, presence, patience, vulnerability and curiosity. Stephen talks about the essence, which is the true nature of each person: we are not our behavior. Today I am closer to being my natural essence, but not there yet.
Even once I learned the signs and symptoms of PTSD, Moral Injury and TBI head injuries, it has still taken much effort and outside assistance to examine my judgments and live in a way more balanced and natural, including serving others in the healing arts. Much time in nature has really helped!
Since 2020 I have also been teaching Math and Construction Trades at the Community College in Tucson, where I also serve on a council for issues of employee wages and working conditions. As an employee of the college I can take classes for free and I am currently studying Social Work. I am about to begin volunteering at the VA.
I met my wife Traci in 2007 when she was reading her poetry and memoir at a coffee shop in Phoenix. Together Traci and I began Monsoon Voices, a live literary magazine with poets, memoirists, fiction writers and musicians.
Traci teaches writing workshops online and in-person. My daughter (they/them) is a musician and counselor. I enjoy hiking off-trail with my DSLR camera. In Arizona I have encountered a Black Bear, Bighorn Sheep, White-Tail Deer, and curious little Coati. In our yard in Tucson, where I have a home-office for treatments and workshops, we have seen numerous Bobcats, Coyotes, Great Horned Owls and Harris's Hawks which hunt as a cooperative family.
Some of my nature photography is posted on Flickr and some on Facebook. Please enjoy this little photo essay on Facebook of me meeting a deer that was stranded and how this mirrors my own life until now: https://www.facebook.com/share/p/15knTuycAZ/
I hope to connect with you further at some point!
Feel free to use the Contact Me form with any questions or comments.
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